Fuck Yeah, Sweet Valley High
For all things Sweet Valley High!
The Moral of the Story: Oh, hey, unpopular kids have talents, too!
The Big Deal: Basketball and Booster tryouts
Synopsis:
The Unicorns have gotten the okay to start a middle school cheerleading squad, but Ms. Langberg tells them they have to have open auditions. Liz is shocked when Amy says she wants to try out, and Jessica can’t believe people like Amy even have the nerve to sign up. Liz tries as hard as she can to talk Amy out of auditioning, but Amy says she’s become a master at the baton and she’s confident she’ll get on the squad.
At the first round of tryouts, Amy pretends she doesn’t know what she’s doing. Liz assumes she’s changed her mind. Meanwhile, on the other side of the gym, the boys are trying out for the basketball team. Ken Matthews enters the gym and Bruce Patman immediately starts calling him “midget” and teasing him. Ken is short, you guys. Coach Cassels makes things even worse when he mistakes a tall kid for Ken, because Ken’s dad was his favorite player ever and Mr. Matthews was tall.
Ken is really bad at basketball, but Liz takes him home with her and gets Steven to show him a few things. He still totally sucks, but then Liz has the brilliant idea of having Ken practice with a tennis ball. For some reason, Ken finds this easier and pretty soon he and Liz are having a grand time bouncing around their tennis balls. And that’s when Bruce rides by on his bike and makes fun of Ken for playing tennis-ball with a girl.
The next day at school, Bruce tells everyone that Liz and Ken are a couple. And everyone cares. Jessica is totally freaked out about how this makes her look, and Amy is sad because she kind of likes Ken. Liz refuses to set everyone straight because she’s stubborn like that.
Lila calls Amy one night and tells her not to try out for the Boosters, and she’s scandalized when Amy hangs up on her. As payback, Jessica forges a note from Ken to Amy, telling her to drop out. Then she writes a love letter from Amy to Ken. Amy is smart enough to know her note is from the Unicorns, but Ken is kind of dumb and he gets all freaked out when he thinks Amy’s in love with him.
Liz overhears Lila and Ellen talking about the letters and about how they’re going to get that rotten Amy Sutton once and for all, so she goes running off to find Amy and warn her. She finds Ken along the way and explains the love letter thing to him, and then she finds Amy and tells her the Unicorns are planning to do something awful to her so she should just drop out of auditions. Amy ain’t havin’ that.
The Unicorns call each girl forward to do a “he’s our man” cheer with them. Their big plan to “get Amy” consists of telling her to cheer for Ken and then making her do the cheer alone. Meanwhile, Ken is on the other side of the gym for basketball tryouts. While Bruce Patman points and laughs at Amy, Ken steals the ball and does super awesome things with it. Amy does the cheer again and then goes into a big baton routine. She ends with a flourish just as Ken sinks the basketball. Ken makes the team and the Unicorns beg Amy to be on the Boosters.
Quotes:
“I’m really sorry, Ken.”
“What for? You didn’t write it.”
Elizabeth nodded. “I know, but Jessica did. So I feel partly to blame for it. That’s one of the consequences of being a twin.”
That’s one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard.
The Cover: Amy’s shirt is like five times too big for her, and holy cow, mom jeans.
The Moral of the Story: If your grandfather is weird and scary, he’d better also be famous or else nobody will want to be your friend.
The Big Deal: Halloween party at Lila’s
Synopsis:
All the kids in Sweet Valley are afraid of the Mercandy mansion. They’re all convinced a witch lives there and keeps her crazy husband locked in the attic. The twins get themselves all worked up when they see a girl their age being dropped off at the mansion with a couple of suitcases. A few days later, the girl starts going to Sweet Valley Middle School, and Elizabeth volunteers to show her around. Nora Mercandy has a horrible first day because kids are jackasses.
Liz is out sick on Nora’s second day at school, so the poor girl is on her own. Nora has to play tennis with Lila in gym class, and Lila wants to make things interesting. She bets her expensive cloisonné pen, and then has to hand it over when Nora wins. She gets all bent out of shape about losing and makes it her mission to destroy Nora. First she gets Nora in trouble with the principal by claiming Nora stole the pen, and then she switches her sucky math test with Nora’s passing one.
Nora asks Liz why everyone hates her so much, and Liz explains that everyone thinks her grandparents are weird because they never leave their house. Nora thinks if she gets the Unicorns to meet her grandparents, they’ll see there’s nothing to be afraid of. Liz and Amy help her get the backyard ready for the gathering, and as soon as all the Unicorns arrive, an old man comes shambling out the back door, saying, “Nor…Nor…Nor…” over and over again. Clearly, this man is a zombie, so all the Unicorns run away.
The Unicorns think Nora must have invited them over just to scare them. To get back at her, they cook up a horrible scheme that involves Bruce Patman, that hunka hunka burning seventh-grader. The Unicorns start being really nice to Nora and Lila invites her to her Halloween party. Nora accepts because she’s apparently an idiot who thinks people are suddenly warming up to her.
When Nora gets to Lila’s house, Bruce leaves with Charlie Cashman and Jerry McAllister. Nora overhears someone saying the boys are on their way to the Mercandy mansion to fuck things up with spray paint, toilet paper and rotten eggs. Nora finally loses her temper and yells at everyone, and then she runs out the door. Liz follows her to make sure she’s okay, and Jessica follows Liz to make sure she’s okay, and pretty soon the entire party has migrated to the Mercandy house, where Nora yells at Bruce and then runs inside. Once again, Liz follows her and Jessica follows Liz.
Everyone else follows Jessica into the house and up into the attic, where Nora is crying and Liz is trying to comfort her. Somebody notices that the walls are covered in posters which depict a magician named Marvelous Marvin. Everyone has heard of him, because ancient magicians are so totally popular with sixth-graders, and Nora says Marvin is her grandfather. Suddenly Mrs. Mercandy is there, talking about how her husband used to work with Houdini. Well, now everyone’s excited and they want to meet him. While Mrs. Mercandy goes to get him, Nora tells everyone that her grandfather had a stroke ten years ago and is partially paralyzed and can’t speak very well. It’s all good, nobody’s afraid of him now that they know he’s a magician and not a zombie. Nora puts on a magic act, pretending to saw Liz in half, and everyone wants to be friends with her, hooray!
The Cover: It’s kind of mean of the twins to be talking about Nora while she’s standing right there, but Nora’s off in her own little world anyway, I guess. Maybe she’s thinking about getting a haircut. I hope so.
The Moral of the Story: If you whine loud enough, your twin sister will make sure you get anything you want.
The Big Deal: Dance recital
Synopsis:
The twins’ ballet class is going to be performing Coppelia in a few weeks. Jessica is dying to play the lead, but Madame Andre seems to have eyes only for Elizabeth. Liz thinks the reason Jessica gets ignored is because she’s always dancing next to Amy Sutton. Jessica does this because she thinks Amy’s crappy dancing will make her look better by comparison, but Liz thinks Madame Andre is too busy criticizing Amy to notice how good Jessica is. Jessica could just go dance next to someone else, but the twins decide to make Amy a better dancer instead.
Naturally, Jessica bails on Amy’s first practice in the Wakefield basement, so Liz does her best to go it alone. Despite Liz’s best attempts to help out, Amy still sucks at ballet when her mother comes to pick her up. She does manage to do a plié correctly at the next class, and Jessica becomes filled with rage when Madame Andre compliments Elizabeth for helping Amy out. This somehow sparks a fight and now the twins aren’t speaking to one another.
On the day of the Coppelia audition, Liz and her mother go to the mall while Jessica stays home to put in some extra practice time. Madame Andre calls and says that for no good reason she’s changing the time of the audition from three to eleven. Jessica leaves a note for Liz and her mom, but she’s sure they won’t make it back in time and Madame Andre will have no choice but to give the lead to Jessica. She’s super pissed when Liz still manages to show up and audition.
Liz gets the part and Jessica’s life is totally ruined. She tells anyone who will listen how unfair Madame Andre is, but nobody cares. The stupid Coppelia doll disappears and Liz wonders if Jessica stole it, though how she would have stashed a life-sized doll under her tutu isn’t even pondered. Amy, who knows she sucks at ballet, offers to sit in a chair and take the doll’s place. Liz practices her solo every day while the rest of the class rehearses their part, and she finally sees that Jessica really is a much better dancer and Madame Andre was being unfair all along.
Liz pretends to hurt her ankle just before the recital, and she begs Jessica to go on and take her place. Jessica is only too happy to comply. Amy feels bad that Liz won’t get to dance at all, so she decides to dance in the corps and let Liz be Coppelia. Jessica dances beautifully, and when Madame Andre finds out it was Jessica and not Elizabeth, she chastises herself for being so blind. Amy confesses to stealing the doll and everyone goes back to the studio for a party.
Quotes:
“We need to leave for the Dance Studio in fifteen minutes.”
What an original name for a dance studio.
“I’m sure that nobody else has a chance against you,” Lila Fowler said confidently. “After all, you’re the only Unicorn in the class. Everybody knows that Unicorns are very pretty and very special.”
I’m not sure Madame Andre cares about that.
Jessica, about the Mercandy house: Don’t those windows upstairs look creepy? They look like devil’s eyes, and they’re staring straight at us.”
[caption id=”attachment_3509” align=”aligncenter” width=”283” caption=”That goat has devil eyes.”]
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Jessica and the number 37:
“Madame likes you three hundred thirty-seven times more than she likes me!”
The Cover: Look at the mug on Jessica! Liz is looking kind of smug, so I guess I’d be pissed, too.
The Moral of the Story: It’s rough being the nice twin, especially when you don’t know your sister is evil.
Synopsis:
Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield are just the cutest identical twins alive and they do everything together. They share a room, they dress alike, they join all the same clubs and have all the same hobbies. So when Liz says the school is letting her start a school newspaper just for the sixth graders and asks Jessica to write for it, she’s shocked when Jessica says she’d rather hang out with Lila Fowler and join the Unicorn Club. Liz decides to ask her friends Amy Sutton and Julie Porter to help her out, figuring Jessica will want to join once she sees what a success the paper is.
At lunch the next day, the twins sit at separate tables for the first time ever so Liz can talk to Julie and Amy about the paper. Jessica sits with the Unicorns and tries to get an invitation to join the club. The day after that, Jessica stands Liz up after school to go to the Dairi Burger with the Unicorns. Just as she hoped, they ask her to join and give her three pledge tasks to complete. Janet Howell, the club’s president, tells Jessica she can’t tell anyone what her pledge tasks are, not even Liz. Jessica asks about Elizabeth’s pledge tasks, and Janet says Liz isn’t going to be asked to join. Jessica is shocked at first, but then realizes Liz wouldn’t like being a Unicorn anyway.
Jessica’s first pledge task is to take Mrs. Arnette’s lesson plan book off her desk and get it back into the teacher’s bag by the end of class. Jessica manages to get the job done with help from Lila and Winston. Her next task is to stand outside the girls’ restroom, tell people it’s flooded and get at least three girls to use the boys’ room instead. That one gets done pretty easily, too. The only task left is to come to school looking so different from Liz that nobody can tell they’re twins. Oh, calamity.
On Monday morning, Liz dresses in her yellow sweat suit (ugh) and takes the same outfit from Jessica’s closet and lays it out for her. As soon as Liz goes down to breakfast, Jessica jumps out of bed and dresses in something completely different. Then she curls her hair and puts on some makeup. She waits to go downstairs until it’s too late for Liz to change. Liz is hurt but Jessica doesn’t really notice because she’s so happy she’s completed all her tasks.
When the twins get to school, Liz locks herself in a bathroom stall and starts to cry. Then some girls come in talking about Jessica’s new look. They say they think it’s great that they can finally tell the Wakefield twins apart. When they’re gone, Liz decides to make the best of things by doing her hair in a style Jessica doesn’t usually like to wear. She decides it’s okay with her if she and Jessica stop dressing the same.
Meanwhile…
Jessica has asked her mother for dance classes and Alice has complied. The twins get to the studio just before their first class starts, but Jessica tells Liz to go ahead while she finishes getting ready. She finally comes into the classroom during roll call, and Madame Andre freaks out because Jessica is wearing a purple leotard, purple legwarmers, a purple scarf around her waist and purple barrettes with purple streamers. Also, blue eyeshadow all the way up to her eyebrows. Madame Andre yells at her, and it flusters Jessica so much that she messes up on all her ballet moves for the whole class.
Caroline Pearce comes up to Liz at lunch and says she thinks it’s super exciting that Jessica has been asked to be a Unicorn. Liz goes home crying that night about Jessica not wanting to spend time with her anymore. She talks to her mom, who says it’s really okay that the twins have separate interests. Liz doesn’t really like it, but she goes upstairs and tells Jessica she’s going to try not to let it bother her. Jessica offers to try to get her in.
Jessica goes to her first Unicorn meeting, and Liz asks Amy to come over to talk about newspaper stuff. Amy is a joy to hang out with and Liz has a really good time spending the evening with someone other than Jessica. She’s a little sad she won’t have time to do that kind of thing once Jessica makes her a Unicorn.
Liz won’t leave Jessica alone, so Jessica finally asks the Unicorns to let Liz join. They aren’t happy about the idea, but Jessica threatens to quit. Janet thinks that would make the club look bad, so they give Liz one pledge task. She has to go to the Dairi Burger with Lois Waller and replace the whipped cream on her sundae with shaving cream. Liz says no. She refuses to make Lois eat shaving cream. Jessica decides to do it herself. She calls Janet and tells her Liz is going to do it on Wednesday.
On Wednesday, while Liz is at a dentist appointment, Jessica poses as her twin and goes to the Dairi Burger with Lois. When Lois takes a bite of her sundae and starts spitting out the shaving cream, the Unicorns at the next table start laughing. Lois leaves all upset that Liz would embarrass her like that. A few days later, Jessica tells Liz she’s been voted into the club. Liz figures they must have realized their pledge idea would have hurt Lois’ feelings. Yeah, right.
Liz goes to her first Unicorn meeting and can’t believe that all they do is talk about boys and movies. Ellen comes up to Liz and congratulates her on a job well done at the Dairi Burger. Liz gets mad and goes home, where she cries to her mother. Again. Alice tells her again that twins can have different interests. Again.
Liz calls Lois and tells her it was Jessica at the Dairi Burger. Then she tells Jessica to apologize to Lois. If she doesn’t, Liz will stay in the Unicorn club and tell everyone else it was Jessica and not Liz who tricked Lois. Jessica apologizes. Liz isn’t satisfied, so she calls Lois and cooks up a scheme to get back at them. It really just boils down to Lila eating shaving cream on her sundae and Amy taking pictures for the newspaper. Good times.
Meanwhile, the twins are fighting about their room. Liz doesn’t like it being so messy all the time and Jessica, I don’t know, doesn’t like Liz’s books or something. Alice and Ned decide it’s time the girls have their own rooms. They’ll move Jessica into the guest room down the hall. What the hell? They’ve had an extra bedroom this whole time and just made the twins share because they’re twins? Not cool, man.
Somewhere in there, we hear about how some girl named Roberta Manning got kicked out of the Unicorns because she made out with a high school boy, and we find out the high school boy is Steven Wakefield. I guess he’s always liked them young.
Setup for the next book: The twins’ dance studio (which is called The Dance Studio) is putting on a production of Coppelia and Jessica wants the lead. Also, Amy’s mother is making her take ballet.
Quotes:
She undid her ponytail and let her hair fall free. Then she parted it in the middle, pulled it back from her face, and fastened it with a clip. It was a hairstyle she loved and Jessica hated…
“Hey, Liz!” Lois’s eyes were wide. “You should wear your hair like that all the time.”
So it’s Lois’ fault Elizabeth spends the next six years with her hair pulled back in clips and barrettes.
The Cover: I think the twins are so much cuter on these covers than they are on the SVH covers. I also think those sweaters look really comfortable.
Sweet Valley Confidential is available for pre-order! The release date is March 29. Amazon, Barnes and Noble and Books-A-Million have really excellent prices on it right now! Also, our good friend Sarah Goldstein from St. Martin’s Press has listed a giveaway on Goodreads. She’s got 100 free copies up for grabs!
Aaaaaannnnddd…I will be starting Sweet Valley Twins recaps next week! Come back on Wednesday to meet the twins as sixth-graders, before they turned into a couple of bitches who kiss each other’s boyfriends all the time.
| Which Sweet Valley Character are you? |
Jessica
 You probably already knew this about yourself: you’re a Jessica. Prime interests? Boys, sexiness, yourself, and the sexiness of keeping boys in proximity to yourself. Cut loose and enjoy it, but try not to cause too much damage while you’re |
Fun quizzes, surveys & blog quizzes by  |
By the way, I have started reading the Sweet Valley Twins books and it is much easier going than SVU.
People has the official Sweet Valley Confidential cover. Nothing too exciting, but I guess the twins are too old now for a cover illustrating their crazy shenanigans. We’re still looking at a release date of March 29 and there’s really nothing else to report on that front.
In other news, I still suck at blogging. You guys, I am having so much trouble getting into Sweet Valley University. How can this series suck so much? I promise, promise, promise I have not abandoned you, but I don’t want to read the books if it feels like work because then the recaps won’t be funny. I have all the books sitting right here and I will dive in as soon as I’m in the perfect snarky frame of mind.
Robin at The Dairi Burger is moving on, at least for now. Thanks for your awesome blog, Robin, and good luck in everything you do.
